Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
From my Mom
Breaking news:
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today