Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
stand with me against insufficient seating
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.