Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.