Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Oh no
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
E
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.