The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC