[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
no such thing as a dumb question
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up