Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.