Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
first you must answer his riddles
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one