me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
👾👾👾
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings