CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
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I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I bet
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are