“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Very problematic
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving