ugh not again
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe