Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.