All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
You Might Also Like
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
What the dentist sees
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.