As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
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She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia