me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.