The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
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Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”