Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.