“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.