I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Cake safety first. Always.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
When you’re Kinky but poor
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?