i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
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I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Hello Twits.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”