[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.