Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You Might Also Like
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano