Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.