Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]