A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’d love this…lol