I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?