Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”