Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can