Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?