[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
be careful
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Incredible customer service.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”