Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
lol
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.