doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day