Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
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barbara was highly relatable
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??