If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt