Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.