Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen