*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
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38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.