I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one