Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Personal question. #JustSaying
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.