Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Worth remembering.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?