In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
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What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…