“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught