[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
A wise man once said nothing.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot