Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
🖤✌🏽
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.