[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.