I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
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If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
😜
getting old is fun
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.