If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Name this drama.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I need this for my side hustle.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.