This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?