Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Welcome
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
the Monday after daylight savings
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
selena gomez